Well, as a New Yorker, there is a need to know about the city’s jokes and funny expressions for you not to be left out the culture. But if you still a newbie in the city, no worries for we will tell you some of the famous jokes about living in NYC. Check it out and laugh!
FAMOUS JOKES FROM COMEDIANS:
“I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like mid-ride, they decide, let’s not stop. Why are we stopping? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound] ‘Next stop 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t react, you know? I can’t go, ‘Oh my god, somebody helps me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!’ You can’t do that. When you get there, you got to get out like, Alright, I’m home. Yeah. Nice to be back on 6 Trillionth Street.”
“I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I were ethnic; I’m nothing. ’Cause if you’re Hispanic, and you get angry, people are like, He’s got a Latin temper. But if you’re a white guy, and you get angry, people are like, that guy’s jerk. Stay away from him. He’s a turd.”
“I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. They’re three New York stories, alright: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life’ and Ghostbusters.”
“I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.”
“I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And all that means is that I’m constantly surrounded by beautiful girls who wear defiantly dark clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they’re about to operate a steam engine.”
“In L.A., wealthy people live with rich people and poor people live with poor the. In New York, that’s from building to building. Like I asked my friend, I said, ‘Man, what’s good building?’ He said, ‘ good building, you got a doorman. A dangerous building, you just got a guy in a door.’”
“It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweak. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed bro. Looking forward to the show.”
“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was obscene. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”
“I’ve got to tell you; that’s a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport.”
“There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it’s impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that that’s true. Because you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.”
“Even if you like New York, you’ll admit it’s not a beautiful place. It does things to a person. My uncle — 10 years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now, he’s a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect people still say, ‘May I approach the bench?’ And that’s sweet.”
“I live in Los Angeles. For a long time, I was very ambivalent about living in LA. I realized it was because of all of my New York friends; they are the ones who put it in my head, ‘You live in this shallow, plastic, sell-out town. You got to move to New York, that’s where it happens, man.’ So last year I moved to New York; I lived in New York for a month. And now I know why all of my New York friends want me to get there. They want another warm body between them and the constant spray of sh*t and horror that you are subjected to.”
“When you’re in Manhattan, you don’t get scared no matter how fast the cab goes. ‘He’s driving fast and recklessly, but he’s a professional. He’s got a cab drivers’ license; I can see it right there. I don’t know what you need to get a cab drivers’ license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their primary qualification. No whiteheads are allowed to drive a cab in this town.”
Q. What’s the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What’s the only thing that grows in Buffalo?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q: What’s the only thing that grows in Buffalo?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q: Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in New York?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation?
A: Moo York.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why don’t Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes?
A: Because crap floats…
Q: What does an NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years?
A: Boss! I’m not saying St Johns basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturday’s game. The rest will cover.
Q: Why is “The Wave” banned in the Carrier Dome?
A: Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard?
A: Because the Orangemen always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren’t Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Massachusetts lean west?
A: New York Sucks
Q: What does a girl from the “Big Apple” do if she’s not in bed by 10 pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Orangemen basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it’s the closest they will come to getting a “Degree”.
Q: Why do Juilliard students have such beautiful noses?
A: They’re hand-picked.
Q: Why did Syracuse disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What’s the difference between a Buffalo diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $80,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every University of Buffalo diploma?
A: Will Work for Food.
Q: Why did the University of Buffalo grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to the University of Buffalo.
Q: What do you call a group of cows that judge a book?
A: The Moo-York-Times!
Q: Why did Syracuse change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without breaking.
Q: What’s the one thing that keeps Seton Hall basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Syracuse football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Buffalo girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do New Mexico grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a Juilliard grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Syracuse fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Buffalo fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Syracuse change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Orange cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 codes are good looking?
A: The other one goes to the University of Buffalo.
Q: What’s the difference between Buffalo and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Syracuse Orange eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What’s the difference between Carrier Dome and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Massachusetts-New York border.
Q: How do you confuse a Buffalo student?
A: You can’t they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from Boston to New York City?
A: Go south until you smell shit and west until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Buffalo grad say?
A: “I have reviewed your application……”
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Syracuse University Library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the Syracuse University football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.
Q: What does the average University of Buffalo student get on his SAT?
Q: How many University of Buffalo freshman does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, it’s a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make Syracuse University cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a Syracuse wide receiver, a Syracuse linebacker, and a Syracuse defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Syracuse?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you castrate a Syracuse Orange fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What’s the difference between the Syracuse Orange and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn’t!
Q: Why do New York students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the University of Buffalo campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Buffalo?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three Syracuse University football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What’s the difference between a Syracuse Orange fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Buffalo?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Syracuse Orange grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a New York City virgin?
A: An ugly twelve-year-old who can outrun her brothers…
Q: What do they call students who go to Syracuse?
A: Rejects from NYU!
Q: What does a Syracuse Orange fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call a Syracuse Orangemen in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Syracuse and NYU students have in common?
A: They both got into Syracuse!
Q: What’s the difference between a Syracuse football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Syracuse’s football team doesn’t have a website?
A: They can’t string three “Ws” together.
Q: How many University of Buffalo grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a University of Buffalo grads life?
A: Third grade
Q: What do a New York native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Buffalo have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do Syracuse University and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at the University of Buffalo?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What’s the first thing a New York girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call a Syracuse football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Syracuse fan’s favorite whine?
A: “We can’t beat West Virginia.”
Q: Why does a Syracuse fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop a Syracuse fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in West Virginia Black and Gold!
Q: What did the Syracuse female say after sex?
A: “Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes!”
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a Syracuse fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Orangemen games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was a Rutgers Scarlet Knights fan, and he was a Pittsburgh Panthers fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Scarlet Knights fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, “Yes, it’s a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Rutgers Scarlett Knights fan.” The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery.
After he wakes up, the doctor comes up to him concerned. “Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?”
The man sat up, looked around, and said “GO ORANGEMEN!”
One day, a kid and his mom were walking past a cemetery when they passed a grave, and the son stopped to read it.
He read aloud “Here lies a Syracuse graduate and a great man.”
The kid then says, “Mom I don’t get it.”
The mom says, “Why not?”
The kid says, “Why are there two people buried here?”
A West Virginia Mountaineers fan and a Syracuse Orangemen fan were driving along when all of a sudden the West Virginia fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the West Virginia fan said,
“We Mountaineers never pass up an opportunity like this!”
And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Syracuse fan, “Your turn”… And the Orangemen fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
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